I've noticed within the past few weeks and months that I really want my dreams to come true. I've always wanted this, but within this timeframe things have gotten very serious. There are so many changes that I want to make within my society to better the lives of my fellow humans. Making life easier for those who've come before me and assisting in the growth of those who will follow. However, I've also noticed that at times I feel like I can't have those dreams, or that they won't come true. It's like a strange twilight version of my life that I'm watching through a lense where everything is upside down, almost like a peephole. I see what I want, what I dream, what I desire to have, but it's just out of reach. Am I an imposter, looking in on an alternate reality? A life that I've lived before? A life that's not truly mine?
It's so difficult to rationalize the hardships I've been through and be able to separate those experiences from what's to come in the future. Trauma is hard, and it doesn't just wash off of you in the tub like some attempt to portray. It takes time, lots and lots of time and dedication for you to be able to overcome the mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical scars that come with trauma. The memories, the flashbacks, the daydreams that haunt your mind basically unprovoked. I've been working extremely hard the last 6 months to change the way I think. I invested in an affirmations app, began doing daily yoga, and made walking and exercise a regular routine (at least as regular as possible, lol). Then as you do these things, make these changes, it's like dang, am I doing this right? Did I miss something? Once you calm yourself down and realize that there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do things. You continue on. However, if you miss a day or have some type of relapse the guilt sets in. You begin to beat yourself up, fall into a hole, and you're once again assaulted by negative thoughts. This journey involves more than a bath and some crystals for sure.
What I've surmised with all this is that all those things that you feel like are holding you back, are really making you stronger. Those gritty, gory details of this trippy far out trip are the most important part. It's to teach you that you never stop learning, you never stop growing, the journey never ends. It just keeps going on and on and on until there's no more life in this body, and then you start again somewhere else in some other time. That's the beauty of it all, the journey. If you're going on a vacation or traveling the best part (in my opinion) is the planning, the anticipation. Knowing that you're going somewhere great and that you're going to have SO MUCH FUN when you get there. It breaths life into your mind and soul. What we fail to realize though is that the preparation of said travel is the true gift. I remember I traveled to Japan when I was in 5th grade. It was the most fun I've ever had, but I barely remember the trip. What I remember most is the fundraising, not knowing if I was going to be able to raise the money. The shopping for all the clothes and travel items that I would need. Getting up early in the AM for our 5AM flight out of Chicago, and being on the plane to look down at the world below us. That is what I remembered most. Of course I remember where we stayed (it was super cold, I believe at the Olympic center), and the things I saw while there, but the journey was the place where imagination thrived.
So many wonder why individuals who reach a certain level of fame and fortune are so unhappy. I think I know why. It's not that they're spoiled or ungrateful (though with some that is the case). It's not that they are unappreciative of what they have (despite the fact that in some cases that may be true). It's that they are seemingly "no longer on the journey" which causes an emptiness and lack of imagination within their hearts. Similar to reaching the top of the rollercoaster and believing that the only way you can go is down. There's a drop in spirit that I feel causes a person to die a little on the inside. So they fill their lives with things, maybe travel, to numb that drop in inspiration. I pray I never get to that point, and I wonder at times if that's why I'm so hesitant to fully believe in my dreams and the fact that they are coming true. Maybe I don't fear the success, maybe I don't fear the failure. Quite possibly the fear could be coming from the realization that the journey might be over once I get what I've dreamed of.